22 months

22 months! Wow, coconut is really almost 2 yrs old. 

It's no secret I haven't heard much from the family this year. It has been difficult to understand and try to move on from a dream. I walked this journey in love and trusted that through friendship I could give someone the greatest gift known to man. However my hopes, expectations or plan did not come to complete fruition. Accepting that hasn't been an easy task but I've come to grips with it and have learned not to dwell on it. 

I love having been a surrogate and milk donor and hopefully one day God will grant me the opportunity to do it again. 

Today I'm grateful that in December I did receive a Santa email update and a Christmas card. That was really nice and was not expected but was sooooo needed. I know he's doing well and looks happy. 

I'm wishing all you other surrogates a happy new year and please do your research for your IPS, your agency, your lawyers, your doctors, your plan and don't jump to soon. I'm anxious to hear your stories of selflessness and to see your beautiful creations. I wish you all happy healthy pregnancies and wonderful relationships with your IPS/IMS/IFS. Sticky thoughts my loves

Deteriorating health

Over the past few months I've fallen into bad health. On jan 1, I had a horrible hemorrhage that hospitalized me for a few days. I lost a massive amount of blood and truly thought I was seeing my final hours. Since then I've continued to bleed even through intense medication to stop the loss. Testing after testing has occurred. 

On Feb 19 I went in with the help of my mom to have a endometrial biopsy. It was extremely painful, like having a natural birth. Intense pain with only ibuprofen on board, boy was I hating life and so glad my mom came to stay with me. Once the results came in I was a wreck, could I really actually have uterine cancer? Would it show other things? Questions after questions swirled through my head and were asked by my many concerned friends. I was numb. But anxious. 

Well doc called on a Sunday afternoon. Oh boy, this can't be good. So I listen closely and hear the words "it's not cancer". Oh my the relief. I was so happy and grateful until he said the magic word BUT.  Not again, What now? He says I believe you have uterine polyps. The test is not definitive but showing high probability. Yikes, I didn't even know what those P thingys might be. After I got off the phone saying a quick prayer of relief and nerves I googled polyps. Less than 14% of women under 40 ever experience these little invaders. 

Doc said I needed a saline infused ultrasound, a test where clear sterile fluid is pushed through a tube into the uterus. Then a probe is inserted to see if these little polyps can be seen.  It took several days to schedule and get it on the books, thankfully Zeus was able to get the time off as well to drive me. 

That test was this past Friday morning. It was a different doc, a very thorough, informative, relaxed and honest doc. She was so amazing. Made me feel so comfortable, well as comfortable as you can be with tubes, clamps and probes hanging out your lady parts. She insisted Zeus stand up and look over her shoulder to see what she was seeing. She said he and my uterus were good friends already, always have to have a little humor. It was merely seconds after two healthy, clear ovaries were discovered that she stumbled upon my polyps or in her words a forest of polyps. I asked how many, she said too many to count. She showed my the screen and I was shocked, maybe more stunned. What should be a smooth oval looked more like bumpy, massively curvy oval with no smooth straight lines. Nope, imagine a forest all chopped to stumps . That's about what the inside of my uterus looks like. Wasn't the best news I've heard in a while, my heart sank as the sadness  overwhelmed me. Here I am waiting for the hammer to drop, thankfully doc believes a two part surgery can be successful to remove these little invaders. I most likely will be able to save my womb. I'm beyond terrified of a hysterectomy. I'm emotionally attached to this organ and can't lose it anytime soon. I might even want to use it again.  A D&C and polypectomy both done in the same time to remove all the foreign matter still wrecking havoc in my uterus. This will be an outpatient, IV sedation surgery with a Recovery of 2-3 days. All this will happen pretty quickly. I'm hopeful that with this surgery and medication change that I'll be able to get back to myself and lose the over 30lbs I've acquired since my Jan episode. I'm looking forward to returning to physical labor, shopping, workouts without embarrassing wardrobe messes which occur all too often these days. I'm ready to return to the 

strong, tough person I used to be. I'm ready to be a wife and Momma without fear of what my body will do to cause me to back out or back off my ambitions. Please say a prayer these stubborn polyps will quietly leave my body and that recovery will be fast and smooth. I'm hopeful. I need something really positive here. The past two years have been such an emotional roller coaster and wild health ride for me. I need a bit of time for me to get comfy in my own skin. Let's do this, who's with me?

The end of a 24 month journey

This week has been one of the harder weeks of my life. I've developed a medical problem that has jeopardized my everyday heath. Because of this, some tough decisions have to be made. I shutter trying to understand why this is happening and where this could go. I just trust God.

So, for the last 12 months following the birth of my sweet lil Coconut 3/6/2013 I have been a breast milk donor to preemie babies across this country. I have donated 10's of thousands of milk to the sickest of sick to the tiniest of tiny babies in NICUS all over America. All of these families will never know my name or why I choose this. It has been a lifelong dream to do this. I've grown up with the idea that I would become a surrogate and then donate my milk. I'm thankful to God for granting this dream, goal and gift to me. Its awesome. I'm grateful.

But this week my medical issues have not gotten better with other treatments, meds and tests show its not much better. That is serious. I have to be healthy. I have 4 babies of my own that need me and that has to be the most important to me at this time. I made the tough decision to begin weaning myself off the pump. It has not been easy. There have been some incredible tears and emotions. Its been 2 full years of dedication of my heart and my body to other families. Something I believe we all must be, supportive and helpful to those around us.

As I washed my bottles and cones for the last time I cried in grief, the fact that I may never do this again. Packing the box of bottles and pump parts made the tears flow harder. Cleaning out the pump bag and winding up the tubes and cords continued to fuel the sadness. It was tough. As I moved to the Garage to pack the boxes of frozen milk that sadness turned ugly. Those tears now had a voice, they once silent were loudly speaking of the unexpected decision that was taking away a love. A deep love of babies and families. I packed those 2 boxes as tight as I could with every last drop of milk. There it was, my milk, the creamy life saving medicine babies rely on so desperately and I may never see a drop leave my chest again. Its so hard to let go. I just stand staring at the boxes wondering will I ever be able to actually let the postman take these away. Will I still be able to look at a pump, a baby, a bottle brush, a bottle, a breast without tears of sadness, without anger of letting go not on my terms or in my time? I don't know. What I do know is that I gave 2 full years of my life to so many others. Each and everyday I grew that baby or pumped that milk while my family waited or did things without me. It was lovely. But it was not fair to my babies and it wouldn't be fair if I let it kill me. Nope.


So today I site typing this wondering what is next for me? Where do I go from here? Will God have another crusade for me? I don't know, but I know these 2 years have been an amazing roller coaster for me. A roller coaster ride I will never forget. I'll never ever underestimate the love a stranger can have for a baby that's not hers. They are in my heart forever and always.

2 months old

Today sweet baby coconut is 2 months old. Unfortunately I don't know much about his milestones. Being thousands of miles away keeps me from knowing a whole lot. It makes me sad but this is the way it is. I do get pictures every now and then and for that I'm so very grateful.

I did get to send him some gifts and a homemade diaper cake along with a handmade blanket just for him. He had his first baby shower yesterday so I was lucky be able to share some special books and such with him.

I'm sad but today was a good day for me as I was nominated as key spouse for Scott AFB and I also won key spouse for for the 688 information operation wing. It's a great honor as I love this job. So that kept me smiling.

We are now less than 3 weeks before we depart St Louis.

A lot to leave behind

WOW, Its been a tough 7 weeks. Coconut is growing so big and has topped 8 pounds already. He is doing well, I hear. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of him and hope he is doing well.

We are moving! In less than 45 days. Its crazy. Being a military family moving is always something we must do. This time will burn. You ask why? Well all the fun memories, hard days, special times with coconut were experienced here, in St. Louis. The first and last time I felt him, saw him and held him will be here. The first sonogram, the last sonogram, the first heartbeat and all those other pregnancy feelings were all felt and lived here. So a part of me doesn't want to leave. A part of me will always be here. I'll take those memories and my scar with me wherever I go, this I know.

I look forward to the new memories that South Texas has waiting for us but it doesn't make leaving any easier. My life as a surrogate has been an awesome journey. I do think I could do it again. I'm just not sure I want to. I'll leave that decision to God and just listen to him as he guides me through the rest of my days. On a side note I am down almost 40 pounds since birthing that precious boy. I think the pumping of the breast milk has really helped shed the pounds. I will send my first shipment of milk out within a few days. It's pretty crazy how much I have pumped, we are talking over 3000 ounces. Isn't that nuts. I know it is. But I try to keep an every 3 hr schedule. It's working though. The milk continues to flow and lots of it.

I'll update more soon about the upcoming move and possibly some new pictures of the lil guy.

Thanks for all your continued prayers and positive encouragement and support. You'll never know how much it helps and how I appreciate sharing my story with all of you. I hope this story never ends.

Blessings to all you Bloggie Buddies.

Pumping station AKA Momma Milk Depot

Hey there we are 4 weeks postpartum now and coconut is officially 4 weeks/1 month old. Wow, that's just crazy. I'm healing but it's an extremely slow process. Still very painful but I'm managing.

So I'm pretty busy these days. Every 3-4 hours I hook myself up to this little machine, (Breast pump) even in the middle of the night. I stay attached for about 15-20 minutes. After that time I have anywhere from 8-12oz of liquid gold, or breast milk. All the bottles get emptied into bags. I write the date and my famous number and they go directly into my freezer. Over the past 3 weeks, since Coconut left I have frozen some 300 bags of milk. Very soon the shipping will begin.

What am I doing with it, you ask? Well as I am always trying to reach out and help others around me. This time I will use my milk to help. My milk is being donated to a milk bank, tested, and broken down into smaller packaging and distributed yo hospitals across the country to NICUs and used for preemies weighing less than 3lbs. My breast milk will help those mothers unable to produce and babies too sick to eat anything else. It's a dream I've wanted to do for many years. It's a calling from God. I thank God that I'm an over producer. I'm a lucky girl who got to breast feed my 4 children problem free with leftovers. Today I get to be an angel to thousands of babies who'll never know me but who'll have life because God allowed me to help them and their families.

How long will I donate? I don't know. We will see how I can fit it into our lives. I hope for several months. But I'll leave that to God and his will and I'll just follow.

Here's some pictures for your delight. We now have 3 shelves in our freezer full of this milk. Enjoy

3rd month, 3 weeks, 3 sisters, 3 babies

Well today it's been 3 weeks since I delivered that sweet baby coconut. I'm recovering very slowly but making progress everyday. It's the small things that show my improvement. But today I wanted to share something unique to my family and our journey.

So I don't have any blood sisters, I have many, many brothers. But thankfully those brothers married women, who have become my sisters. It's the next best thing. My little brother and Zeus' little brother have beautiful wives who I love dearly. After I talked of getting pregnant with someone else's baby, months before we did I think I put a bug in my sisters ears. I thought how cool it would be to be pregnant with family members. But never really thought about it again.

Once I started the process of shots, hormones and readying my body for IVF I shared a lot of info with my sisters. Our families were very supportive of my decision to help another couple become the sought after family they hoped for. As time went on and I became pregnant it was obvious that my brothers families wanted to each extend their family with one more. Amazingly enough several weeks into my pregnancy both sisters shared they were pregnant. As we learned days later that one was due late Feb, the other late March and me early April. S was due about 5 weeks ahead of me and C was due just a few days ahead of me.

Now that March had arrived S was late and thankfully went into labor on her own on March 4 delivering a healthy baby girl naturally, Kendall Grace 7lbs 3oz and 18in.

Terribly, two days later I woke to a huge water puddle in my bed. Yes, my water broke at just 36 weeks pregnant. Since Coconut was breach I was forced to have a c-section that morning. So on March 6 at 8:23am weighing 5lbs, 9oz and 18.5in, Luke Timothy was born.

Just a few weeks later my darling sister C had a scheduled C-section. On March 25, at 8:17am weighing 9lbs and 21in, Burke Levi arrived.

Amazingly enough on both sides of our families we have a new niece and a new nephew and Lil Luke will also be called our nephew.

It was an amazing story that for the rest of our lives we will remember and these 3 babies hopefully will meet some day, at least that is my hope.

Here are the pictures of the pregnant Mommas and the babies. Which one is which?

2 weeks postpartum

Hello my dearest friends and family-
Today marks the 2 week anniversary of the birth of my very first surro baby. Can y'all believe its been that long? I can't. Coconut seems to have settled in well to his home is Seattle. He is getting daily visitors and has become quite the superstar these days. Athena had to create a visitor sign up already to avoid too many at a time. Apollo is back to work and Charlie Mae is the perfect guard dog.

I'm grateful to be included in pictures and small updates here and there. I hope this continues.

Today I'm still moving slowly and thankful that Zeus is still home for a few more days. He has been a wonderful help to me. Although every time I come to the living room he has rearranged another piece of furniture or added another piece of furniture, it's rather annoying.

I'm working on finishing all the details so that I can begin shipping breast milk to the preemie bank. It's amazing how much milk I'm pumping. We are talking about 50oz a day. I'm pumping every 3-4 hours and going through milk bags like crazy. We plan to pump for several months and donate to the bank for preemie babies born smaller than 3 pounds in NICUs across the country. I'm thrilled I can help other families. Our freezer looks like a milk depot itself. It's a whole lot of milk. I teased Ryan and the kids that when I'm back to cooking to look out I might use breast milk! They didn't think it was funny, but I sure did.

I've lost 25 pounds since giving birth with many more to lose. I am back below the 200 mark and that feels great. My blood pressure has completely normalized as well. I'm glad of that. So no more beta blocker for me, yeah!!! I'm down to minimal medication with little pain meds as well. My incision is looking pretty good. Most of the glue has come off and it's healing well. I measured it recently and it was 7.5 inches long. Quite the opening if you ask me. It's still very sore, my stomach itself has some physical bruising and it is very tender to the touch. It is painful to wear pants or anything touch the skin below my belly button for more than a few minutes. So that has limited my clothing options. Thankfully I've been home most the time so I can wear nightgowns, summer dresses or tshirts and be comfortable. I'm gonna attempt to lay on my side in bed tonight, we shall see how long I can stand the pain and uneasiness.

My mental well being is improving daily. I can say his name and not cry. However I'm still emotional and miss him and his little kicks and seeing him on the ultrasound weekly. I miss my growing belly. It's still hard to believe I'm not pregnant any longer. I'm keeping busy with plans for our upcoming move and trying to locate a house. I should be able to drive on Monday and that should help too. I only have 2 vases of flowers still alive from all the beautiful arrangements sent. They are special. I just love fresh flowers and have been lucky to have them here since valentines day. Although these will be gone soon :(

God is alive and guiding me through this emotional time. I pray a lot. If I'm by myself I'm probably praying. I haven't been on the phone much because I'm still trying to get myself together. I'm sorry if I haven't called you or visited, but I'm still recovering. I'd rather talk to God right now so I hope y'all can understand. It shouldn't be too much longer but time will only tell. I'm kinda in seclusion and I like it that way for now. I'll want visitors soon I'm sure. But it just takes time

I got coconuts diaper cake finished today and have a few things to put together before I mail him his first of many boxes from us. I never imagined having these feelings for another child, let alone one that wasn't mine. However, I carried him like he was my own, actually I was more cautious with him than my own. So he'll forever be my baby, just my surro baby.

I appreciate all the prayers y'all have given and continue to give. They are so helpful and have been amazing. I appreciate all the cards and love and kindness you all have shown me as well and I hope that never stops. Through this journey I've learned so much more about so many of you. I've grown close to many and felt great love from y'all as well. Although the pregnancy has ended this journey is not over. It will never end. I hope you'll continue to read my story as we watch this guy grow. Thank you again and God bless you all!!!

Nice to meet you, so long Coconut

Wow, yesterday was intense emotion for this momma. Never imagined how'd I feel when this day finally came. Many people along my journey asked how I thought I'd feel about it. I usually just said I wasn't sure, I'd never done this before. I tried to think that it would be a none issue. Boy was I ever wrong. God is awesome. But he also made is human and made us feel for a reason. For this, my motherly instincts kicked in and those maternal feelings were 100% intact. Those feelings are both a blessing and a curse in this specific situation. We are meant to protect our young especially if it comes from our own body. But god did not create a compartmentalizable brain for birthing mothers, at least not in this one.

So yesterday afternoon coconut met all his goals and was released out into the world from the care of the Cardinal Glennon doctors and nurses. He was now to begin his new chapter with his anxious parents. We were so lucky to have been rewarded with a 2 hour meet/greet with the lil guy at his parents St Louis hotel. My children had waited months for this day. And thankfully it had finally come. I was a wreck. Not sure if I was to be thrilled for my own children to meet their "womb mate" or if I was scared or terrified. I wasn't sure what was flowing through my veins. I just knew I needed it to happen and so did they. Zeus carefully drove through pouring rain into the city. He has had no real emotion through the whole 12 month process. I was appreciative to him so willing to help me complete my calling from God. So we arrive and he drops is off at the door while he parks the car. My mind was moving faster than my body could. Would I remember to take pictures? Would I get enough of the special moments? Would I get enough time? How would I keep it together? Man the questions were swirling. As we walked the halls I could feel my kids excitement growing more and more impatient as we got closer to the door. Then there it was rm 331. Just behind that door was a family I created with Gods help. Knock knock knock, Zulus hand softly taps the door and it opens and in we walk and there he is laying peacefully in his Mommas arms. My eyes welled with tears but I fought them back. After washing their little hands Zulu was first to hold him followed by Ziggy, Omega and finally Zero, who has so longed for this moment. It was beautiful. I was proud. They were each so gentle and loving. Each in awe of how little yet commenting how big he was for a belly. It was a precious moment for me. Zero was honored to be able to feed him a bottle while I helped burp him. Omega got to help as well. Then I got to hold him, smell him, kiss him and tell him how much I've enjoyed our time together and that I'll always love him. Secretly in my heart I didn't want to let him go. But I know he wasn't mine and I signed the line saying he belonged to them. With no biological connection you'd think it'd be easy to hand him off. Heck no, that's most difficult thing I've ever endured in my life. I felt so comfortable with him. Our time together was one of the rockiest roads I've ever traversed. You can read through my blog as see how bumpy it became and then it ended so abruptly. I rolled over in a pool of water 4 weeks shy of his due date, just 48 hours after my niece Kendall Grace was born. I knew it was over. I knew it would end in a c section. I knew he would be smaller than full termers. I had to just get through it.

However I missed getting maternity pictures. I missed having birth pictures. I missed seeing his parents faces the first time they saw him or touched him. I didn't get to be a part of that. I missed holding him. I missed happily handing him off in the blanket that's being made for him. I lost so many things during this that I may never fully recover mentally from the pain or frustration.

I do know that I helped a man and woman complete their dream of parenthood. The sight of that birth certificate with no mention of my name was terribly painful.

So today as his parents board that plane bound for Seattle all I can do is cry. Tears of joy for an entire extended family that they will all be introduced to this amazing life and tears of sadness of the sudden loss that flows through my mind, body and soul. I'm so very glad I got to do this. I love the amazement of creating babies. It's awesome feeling. I may want to do this again. How soon, only time will tell but will I ever act upon it God is the only one who knows.

So today I have these pictures and moments for memory. Hope you enjoy!

Blessings

Coconut forever in my heart

Today I was so blessed to get another chance to see, hold and feed this precious little baby. I get giddy knowing I can see him. The feeling I get is like when a girl is waiting for her date arrive. She's giddy, nervous, excited but terrified and a little scared. But with each step through that hospital I heart beats faster and faster. When I turn the corner to his little NICU room the tears well up in my eyes. It's so emotional. There's sadness that I'll soon not be a daily part of his life. There's happiness that I was privileged to make a family. There's fear that my light in his life will diminish. There's joy for his grandparents that their children can finally experience parenthood. There is hope that he'll always know me, and that I can be his "auntie" and that he'll be told from early on our story together. There is no doubt that this baby will forever hold a place in my heart, I'll never forget him. I'll never forget his life growing in my tummy, his untimely birth and all the steps in between that lead us to March 6, 2013. I honestly don't know how his parents will include me or I'd they'll include me in his life. My heart hopes I'll be his aunt, that I'll get pictures, invitations, cards, letters, drawings. But I can't be sure this will happen and for that I'm super concerned. Coconut is not biologically mine, but that doesn't change the year long process we've gone through to get him safely here. I hope the pain subsides and the hope triumphs my soul. I know God chose me to walk this road and I'm his loyal daughter listening and following his lead. It's terrifying. I've been allowed to fall in love with this little baby and that love is forever. I'm continuing to follow Gods path for me. I'm not sure why this road was so dry, dark, bumpy and terrifying. It's his plan and I keep reminding myself that I've got to let him lead me. My prayer tonight is that God continues to hold me up and allow me to accept whatever he has in store for me. I never wanted to bring more babies home for Zeus and I to raise. But sharing my body with this little guy this past year has changed my view on family. He has become a part of my family. My own children learned to love him, rub him, kiss him, feel him and care for his health as he grew inside my belly. One hope I have is that they get the chance to meet him before he jet sets to the Pacific Northwest. I hope they can hold him, kiss him, rub him and say hello to the little guy they shared their mommy with for a whole year. I want my kids to have a chance to see him with his parents. I know they will soon forget of him in my belly but not of our families journey to bring forth this life. If you asked me today if I'd do this again I'd tell you no. I love to easily to let another life go. But that could change some day later in life . But for today I love 5 little children that grew in my belly. 4 left me with stretch marks and sore hips, but stayed to make their mark on my life daily. But 1, who's not mine has left a slash on my stomach, sadness on my heart and will be raised hundreds of miles from me. I'll never know how this story ends but I know that these children will forever have their names carved on my heart, in my mind and make me proud to be their protector, birther and creator. My life is blessed.

My precious surro baby

Yesterday I was able to be given a hospital pass from my hospital bed. This means I got to take a ride to Cardinal Glennon Children's hospital to see my little belly baby, coconut. I was so anxious and nervous that I couldn't really say what I was feeling. I just wanted to get my hands on him. There's something about having a baby grow in your belly, even knowing that baby is not biological to you.
When I was wheeled to his room I was in awe of him. I teared up and tried to hide it from everybody. I'm trying my best to be strong and happy for coconuts parents. I am happy for them. But I'm a little sad that my part is over. Coconut has etched his life into my head, my heart and on my stomach. There will never be a day that goes by that I won't think about him. He is a beautiful boy. I'm sad he decided to come early. I wanted to make this journey as memorable and special as I could but we lost a few things with the early birth. While visiting I was able to feed him and hold him. It was very special to me. We took some pictures. It's great to see his parents so excited and happy to have a son. My hopes are that he'll always know me, my story, what I did and that I'll always love him. No he is not my son but I carried him, nurtured him, loved him, fed him and grew him for 9 months. I learned his movements and his heart rate. I saw him more times than my own babies. This little guy became my buddy. We hung out together.
My heart is and forever will be a mother to 5 babies, not just my 4.
I love you sweet coconut

Precious arrival

Coconut arrived via c section at 8:23 weighing in at 5lbs, 9oz and 18.5 in at Anderson hospital. I'm recovering and in lots of pain. Very tough. Zeus is here with me and I'll get to see baby soon. He did need some help. I delivered at 36 weeks, previous estimate was mistake. He's pretty cute. Can't wait to hold him