Coconut forever in my heart

Today I was so blessed to get another chance to see, hold and feed this precious little baby. I get giddy knowing I can see him. The feeling I get is like when a girl is waiting for her date arrive. She's giddy, nervous, excited but terrified and a little scared. But with each step through that hospital I heart beats faster and faster. When I turn the corner to his little NICU room the tears well up in my eyes. It's so emotional. There's sadness that I'll soon not be a daily part of his life. There's happiness that I was privileged to make a family. There's fear that my light in his life will diminish. There's joy for his grandparents that their children can finally experience parenthood. There is hope that he'll always know me, and that I can be his "auntie" and that he'll be told from early on our story together. There is no doubt that this baby will forever hold a place in my heart, I'll never forget him. I'll never forget his life growing in my tummy, his untimely birth and all the steps in between that lead us to March 6, 2013. I honestly don't know how his parents will include me or I'd they'll include me in his life. My heart hopes I'll be his aunt, that I'll get pictures, invitations, cards, letters, drawings. But I can't be sure this will happen and for that I'm super concerned. Coconut is not biologically mine, but that doesn't change the year long process we've gone through to get him safely here. I hope the pain subsides and the hope triumphs my soul. I know God chose me to walk this road and I'm his loyal daughter listening and following his lead. It's terrifying. I've been allowed to fall in love with this little baby and that love is forever. I'm continuing to follow Gods path for me. I'm not sure why this road was so dry, dark, bumpy and terrifying. It's his plan and I keep reminding myself that I've got to let him lead me. My prayer tonight is that God continues to hold me up and allow me to accept whatever he has in store for me. I never wanted to bring more babies home for Zeus and I to raise. But sharing my body with this little guy this past year has changed my view on family. He has become a part of my family. My own children learned to love him, rub him, kiss him, feel him and care for his health as he grew inside my belly. One hope I have is that they get the chance to meet him before he jet sets to the Pacific Northwest. I hope they can hold him, kiss him, rub him and say hello to the little guy they shared their mommy with for a whole year. I want my kids to have a chance to see him with his parents. I know they will soon forget of him in my belly but not of our families journey to bring forth this life. If you asked me today if I'd do this again I'd tell you no. I love to easily to let another life go. But that could change some day later in life . But for today I love 5 little children that grew in my belly. 4 left me with stretch marks and sore hips, but stayed to make their mark on my life daily. But 1, who's not mine has left a slash on my stomach, sadness on my heart and will be raised hundreds of miles from me. I'll never know how this story ends but I know that these children will forever have their names carved on my heart, in my mind and make me proud to be their protector, birther and creator. My life is blessed.

My precious surro baby

Yesterday I was able to be given a hospital pass from my hospital bed. This means I got to take a ride to Cardinal Glennon Children's hospital to see my little belly baby, coconut. I was so anxious and nervous that I couldn't really say what I was feeling. I just wanted to get my hands on him. There's something about having a baby grow in your belly, even knowing that baby is not biological to you.
When I was wheeled to his room I was in awe of him. I teared up and tried to hide it from everybody. I'm trying my best to be strong and happy for coconuts parents. I am happy for them. But I'm a little sad that my part is over. Coconut has etched his life into my head, my heart and on my stomach. There will never be a day that goes by that I won't think about him. He is a beautiful boy. I'm sad he decided to come early. I wanted to make this journey as memorable and special as I could but we lost a few things with the early birth. While visiting I was able to feed him and hold him. It was very special to me. We took some pictures. It's great to see his parents so excited and happy to have a son. My hopes are that he'll always know me, my story, what I did and that I'll always love him. No he is not my son but I carried him, nurtured him, loved him, fed him and grew him for 9 months. I learned his movements and his heart rate. I saw him more times than my own babies. This little guy became my buddy. We hung out together.
My heart is and forever will be a mother to 5 babies, not just my 4.
I love you sweet coconut

National News

The news is my favorite thing to read, watch and search. Most of my close friends and family can tell you that I am a little obsessed with knowing what happens in the world around me. That can be good and bad these days.

But this week it just so happens to be a good thing. Like most mornings, I turn on the Today Show to see what is happening while browsing the web news sites. It just so happens that the Today Show covered Surrogacy in a very positive segment this week. Most magazine articles, TV shows and news stories show a more negative side of surrogacy. I was pleased to see the positive segment.

http://video.today.msnbc.msn.com/today/49286326

Here is the link if you would like to watch the segment. It is interesting to see what others think and how it is viewed. I am glad that it is finally not such a Taboo subject anymore. Its important that people have options. I'm thankful for those willing to stand up for these way to parenthood.
I wouldn't mind doing a news story at some point about the process, the support, the love and the reason why I chose this route.

I thank you all for reading and continuing to follow me.

I'm in my 14th week and each day is different. Some days I crave fish, others its cranberries, some its bell peppers, rice. Each day it changes. The nausea is still around but it minor. As long as I've got something in my belly I'm usually OK. I really have to watch what I eat and how much of it. I have indigestion that horrid and heartburn when I eat too much spice. The belly gets bigger by the day and I'm officially in maternity clothes. I was able to buy a maternity coat this past week so that the winter days are not miserable.

I had to sit my babies down the other night and try to understand the significance of this pregnancy and the consequences of their actions around me. It was not fun but needed since I have 3 rambunctious boys. I was sad watching them cry when I explained the consequences. I hadn't envisioned the need to explain all this to them but they can't understand completely the importance of this sacrifice. They just want Mommy but Mommy has to be very careful since we are so High Risk. Being a surrogate, you never understand what your own kids might feel, go through or imagine. I now know mine still have not grasped this completely even the oldest. It's huge. So I ask you pray for my babies to accept this sacrifice and that Zeus and I find a way to make them feel special and a part of this process. Tough Time.

I ask for continued prayers for coconut, myself, Zeus and the HP's. Blessings to all of you. Glory to God that we made it another week.

Blessings

Last weekend of non-pregnant woman

This has really been a crazy busy weekend. It started out first thing Saturday morning meeting our HPs for breakfast. Then family stuff all day and meeting with friends that night then Sunday we went to church, all 18 of us. That was moving as God continued to speak to me. I really enjoyed the service. Then we were off to the Ranger game. It was awesome!!! The Rangers beat Seattle at home 4-0 with Ian Kinsler belting a homer. I loved being at the game with all the family. It was a real treat. Even watching some see their first professional game ever. Then all the babies got to run the bases on the field. That was super cool to see.

Dad took the 18 of us and Apollo and Athena out for a wonderful dinner in downtown Seattle after the game. It was really nice and extremely yummy. Thanks Dad, great idea. Then it was off to the HPs house to prepare for tomorrows big embryo transfer. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous but hugging my 2 sister-in-laws tonight really gave me the strength and encouragement I needed knowing that all the family was behind me 100%. I really wasn't sure how everyone felt about it but listening to them chat with Athena was really calming for me. I must say thank you to all my supporters through this process. I love you all and really do enjoy talking with all of you. Thank you.

Here's a few photos from today.

Please pray for our life changing day tomorrow as our journey gets REAL.

Blessings Bloggie Buddies

Houston, We are go for launch

Yes, folks today I had the defining ultrasound and bloodwork determining whether our timeline would stay or change. I had to have a minimum lining thickness of 8mm and mine was 15mm. Then I had to have a 120 of estrogen and 2 of progesterone. All were within the limits. We will have liftoff on 16 July @ 1pm.

Apollo and Athena are on a camping trip so they are out of communication, so hopefully they will be able to check email sooner or later and see the gret news.

Our family will head for their home state this weekend making a few stops along the way before reaching our destination of Zeus' hometown late week.

Continue your loving prayers for our safe travels and a problem free take-off as we attempt a journey no family member has tried before.

Houston, We are go for launch, countdown please.

Day 1, and we are off and running or stabbing

Well silent readers, today is the day that the 4 of us have looked forward to for a long time. The day meds were started. I've really avoided the topic most the day other than when my dear Mother in Law called to check and see how it went. But I didn't have much to share with her, since I'm waiting til evening time to take the meds. Now I do.

Are you guys all wondering how it went? I bet you are. But I have something I want to ask of each of you, first.

 I really do look forward to hearing from or reading your thoughts. So please leave me comments at the bottom of each blog topic. I have no idea who's following my story and I shouldn't worry about it but it is nice to know your thoughts too.

So tonight I was rather freaked out when I got all the papers, materials, needles, boxes and etc. all laid out. I must say I have never really been fully interested in all this medical stuff. So I never have paid attention when someone drew medicine from a vial into a needle. Why the heck would I need to know that? That was dumb, because today I needed to know how to do that.

While all the babies were watching movies in their rooms I prepared myself for this medical procedure. Zeus is out of town for the week so I could not rely on him to do it for me. I had to gain the strength to do this myself. Glory to God for this strength.

So here is the medicine, needle and the alcohol to clean both the meds and my tummy.

Cap off now and ready to wipe clean with the alcohol

Now the needle is ready to dispense the medicine

All set, Now to clean my tummy with the alcohol

Here I go, giving  myself the very first injection of this journey, my first surrogacy journey.

OUCH, Holy Toledo that hurt. I have no clue what people say that doesn't hurt. YIKES. The best part is that I did not get dizzy, no lightheadedness, no tummy ache. That is the first time ever for me. However I think I sweat for about 30 minutes afterwards.

Now, I have never taken hormones other than a few weeks of birth control pills. So, I have no idea how my body or mind will react to this medication. Should Zeus and the babies be scared, I don't know. I just hope that the daily injections don't make me go haywire. I'll apologize in advance for any wild emotional behavior. Just blame it on the medication.

Today I made it. I did something I never thought I'd ever be able to do. I gave myself the first injection of medication. I am now one more day closer to the goal of a pregnancy.

Say a little prayer that tomorrows injection goes as well as today. Say a prayer that my HP's hearts will be opened to the vulnerabilities that we parents experience through this journey. Say a prayer that Zeus travels safely home after his week in Ohio. Say a prayer that I will not have negative reactions to the medication. Leave me a comment!!!

Blessings and we are off and running or stabbing.

SIGNED. SEALED. DELIVERED.

Oh my goodness today has finally turned out to be a HUGE, and I mean HUGE relief.

Yesterday, well that day needs to just be erased from history. It was the worst day we have had throughout this whole process. I won't go into detail just know we were bantering back and forth with lawyers to finalize the contract. I think I cried more than I have in years. Puking, nausea, and sadness  were all experienced yesterday. Ewwwww, just not something I ever want to deal with again. So glad my eyes were not swollen shut today, just puffy.

Thankfully today is a new day. A sunny, warm, happy and tummy calmed day. A day with smiles. A day with positive communication. A day planning future trips. A day seeing Insurance Agents. A day of peace. A day of milestones.

 I woke up to a phone call from the lawyer. She is quick, which is amazing.  She had heard from the other lawyer and all was well with the legal agreement and we were set to sign. After receiving our copy in the late afternoon I ran, OK maybe drove but you get my drift,  to Zeus' work so we could have two, neutral, of age adults witness our signing and then sign as well. Nothing like telling someone 2 minutes before they are to sign something about our impending journey. Zeus has a way of doing that. HAHAHA. We found two gracious characters to help us complete our portion. Then we had to scan, attach and email it back to the lawyer. Many other copies will be sent through mail.

So happy we are done with that part of this journey. If anyone wants or is interested in ever starting their own journey I must say that this has got to be the hardest part thus far. But, with patience, love and loads more of love we are officially, legally bound to this journey. It's weird to finally be done with this MAJOR and I mean major step of the process. I never imagined finally making it this far. I am so thankful for all the prayers and for Gods hand in all this.

Today we are now mere days from starting the next big step. Medication, OK maybe not so much medication as INJECTIONS. Yikes, I'm a bit nervous as I will start while Zeus is in Ohio. But it's only 7 days right. I mean all I have to do is give myself 7 shots without him, should be no big deal right? NOT!!! Maybe I should teach my 11 yr old how to administer these. Ok, Ok, Ok not the brightest idea I've ever had but it sure sounds better than having to do it myself, doesn't it.  Man, I'm not sure how surrogates do this without a partner to support them and love them and ultimately stab them with a needle everyday. Oh well, he will be home very soon after that and then he can assume his husbandly duties of administering these ugly shots to his fragile wife. Stop laughing, I am fragile. OK, so maybe not, just don't tell him that. He's been AWESOME every step of the way. Especially yesterday, he was like Honey, my nickname, its no big deal, all will get worked out and life will go on while he sat in his office chair shrugging his shoulders without any sign of concern while I sat bawling my eyes out. Such a loving, comedian I live with and somehow love. After all that. It was a good day.

 We are finally SIGNED.SEALED. DELIVERED.

Look what I got today

Today I received a HUGE box from the nice UPS man. Ziggy actually intercepted the box and carried it in for me. He said WOW MOM, that's a big box. He's so sweet. But today the box that arrived is just another step in the process of baby carrying. It's full of medication. Ridiculous amount of medication.

Yeah that is a lot of medication that I will be using to get through this journey. It actually made me sick looking at it all. The sheets of needles and syringes increased the nausea feeling that overwhelmed me. I'll be honest here, I am not the best receiver of shots.

 OK, so when I was standing in that awful line while in basic training, just seeing the airman with injectors that looked like guns made me nervous, sick and weak in the knees. The first shot I almost hit the floor, but by the third one I could not put one foot in front of the other one and had to be carried to the seats below before I hit the ground. I get light-headed, dizzy, nauseous and don't feel well for about thirty minutes. This does not bod well for the upcoming weeks.

So, I'm hoping that the first injections that I must give myself in my abdomen are not going to be that bad. They are supposed to be smaller, diabetic needles.  I have exactly 11 days to come to terms with the fact that I will receive 16 weeks of these injections daily. That's 112 shots. Oh My Word, maybe I like the number 16 better. I think I have gone insane. Yep, maybe, probably, most likely, no most definitely, I have gone crazy to think these shots are going to be no problem. Well, I'll adjust. If not then we'll just have to give them when I have an hour to lay down. Maybe before bed. Not sure yet. But anyways this is an amazing process no less.

My family is beginning to make travel plans to the Northwest. We are so excited to get to meet the HP's. The kids are so excited to see Nana and Grandpa too. We also received some even better news today. Zeus is NOT deploying before next April. Yes, you read that right I almost did this journey alone. Thankfully God's hand is still at work. My God is an awesome God and knowing that I am sure giving myself these shots will be supported by God and he will give me the needed courage.

Please continue to pray for us through this process.

 I was told by Doctor the other day that we have an 81% chance of pregnancy and a 65% chance of twins. How amazing that would be to give my HP's not only a baby but two babies.

Stay tuned for more info.

Blessings Bloggie Buddies

God, I'm Listening this time

Welcome to my new blog friends!

Today I begin sharing the journey I've been walking about 2 months now. Let me go back and share from the beginning.

About 2 months ago, early April to be exact Zeus, my husband, received an email that will forever change our lives. The email was an adoption update from a long time friend of Zeus. The email asked where we were in our lives and if I was still interested in becoming a surrogate. This jump back a bit and I'll fill you in a little more.

 Most people know that I've had surrogacy on my mind for over 4 years now. But I never had much motivation to find someone and when I did those people were not interested or had something else going on in there life. But as time has gone by God has continued to put little clues out there reminding me that he wanted me to do this. Several times I ignored him or I just brushed him aside. Not this time. I decided to listen. I see the signs, I hear the voice and now I have chosen to walk the walk, one step at a time. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.

So Zeus replied to the email and shared that he felt we needed to talk "face to face" via skype. We set a time up that worked for both families. During the passing days Zeus and I talked through every aspect of the process. Feelings, cost, sacrifices, family support, intentions, effects on our children and every other thing you can think of when jumping into a serious situation. The day came for our skype and the both of us were nervous wrecks. We had never met the wife before. Sure we researched every piece and lead we could find about this couple. Google can really be your best friend if you just use it. We weren't sure how this "meeting" was going to go. But we left it in Gods hands. Through fear and loads of sweat we sat on the couch side by side in support of each other.The meeting ended up with us saying YES. Yes, we were willing to begin the surrogacy process and see how far it would take us. Yes, we wanted to help a couple have their own family. Yes, we were willing to share our time with another family. Yes, if we were faced with the same terrible news we would want someone to do the same thing for us. Plain and simple.

So there it was. We had just listened to God and we felt relieved but we were more scared than anything. I couldn't stop thinking of all the things that could come up along the way. But I put my focus on the positive, faith in the Lord and I made 2 phone calls. The first to my Mom and the second to Zeus' Mom. We wanted to run it by them, ask their opinion and let them know we needed their support, 100%. Both Moms were 100% for our decision. Whew! What a huge relief. That support was worth no amount of money. I cried, I'll be honest. It was emotional. At that point we knew God was in control and would guide us through this process every. single. step.

So there you have it. By the Grace of God and the love in our hearts we have begun the long, bumpy, fulfilling journey of Surrogacy aka Gestational Carrier.

Step inside and follow us along on the journey of extreme emotions on this amazing, God controlled, roller coaster.

 I'm not the Momma, just the belly!!!!