2 weeks postpartum

Hello my dearest friends and family-
Today marks the 2 week anniversary of the birth of my very first surro baby. Can y'all believe its been that long? I can't. Coconut seems to have settled in well to his home is Seattle. He is getting daily visitors and has become quite the superstar these days. Athena had to create a visitor sign up already to avoid too many at a time. Apollo is back to work and Charlie Mae is the perfect guard dog.

I'm grateful to be included in pictures and small updates here and there. I hope this continues.

Today I'm still moving slowly and thankful that Zeus is still home for a few more days. He has been a wonderful help to me. Although every time I come to the living room he has rearranged another piece of furniture or added another piece of furniture, it's rather annoying.

I'm working on finishing all the details so that I can begin shipping breast milk to the preemie bank. It's amazing how much milk I'm pumping. We are talking about 50oz a day. I'm pumping every 3-4 hours and going through milk bags like crazy. We plan to pump for several months and donate to the bank for preemie babies born smaller than 3 pounds in NICUs across the country. I'm thrilled I can help other families. Our freezer looks like a milk depot itself. It's a whole lot of milk. I teased Ryan and the kids that when I'm back to cooking to look out I might use breast milk! They didn't think it was funny, but I sure did.

I've lost 25 pounds since giving birth with many more to lose. I am back below the 200 mark and that feels great. My blood pressure has completely normalized as well. I'm glad of that. So no more beta blocker for me, yeah!!! I'm down to minimal medication with little pain meds as well. My incision is looking pretty good. Most of the glue has come off and it's healing well. I measured it recently and it was 7.5 inches long. Quite the opening if you ask me. It's still very sore, my stomach itself has some physical bruising and it is very tender to the touch. It is painful to wear pants or anything touch the skin below my belly button for more than a few minutes. So that has limited my clothing options. Thankfully I've been home most the time so I can wear nightgowns, summer dresses or tshirts and be comfortable. I'm gonna attempt to lay on my side in bed tonight, we shall see how long I can stand the pain and uneasiness.

My mental well being is improving daily. I can say his name and not cry. However I'm still emotional and miss him and his little kicks and seeing him on the ultrasound weekly. I miss my growing belly. It's still hard to believe I'm not pregnant any longer. I'm keeping busy with plans for our upcoming move and trying to locate a house. I should be able to drive on Monday and that should help too. I only have 2 vases of flowers still alive from all the beautiful arrangements sent. They are special. I just love fresh flowers and have been lucky to have them here since valentines day. Although these will be gone soon :(

God is alive and guiding me through this emotional time. I pray a lot. If I'm by myself I'm probably praying. I haven't been on the phone much because I'm still trying to get myself together. I'm sorry if I haven't called you or visited, but I'm still recovering. I'd rather talk to God right now so I hope y'all can understand. It shouldn't be too much longer but time will only tell. I'm kinda in seclusion and I like it that way for now. I'll want visitors soon I'm sure. But it just takes time

I got coconuts diaper cake finished today and have a few things to put together before I mail him his first of many boxes from us. I never imagined having these feelings for another child, let alone one that wasn't mine. However, I carried him like he was my own, actually I was more cautious with him than my own. So he'll forever be my baby, just my surro baby.

I appreciate all the prayers y'all have given and continue to give. They are so helpful and have been amazing. I appreciate all the cards and love and kindness you all have shown me as well and I hope that never stops. Through this journey I've learned so much more about so many of you. I've grown close to many and felt great love from y'all as well. Although the pregnancy has ended this journey is not over. It will never end. I hope you'll continue to read my story as we watch this guy grow. Thank you again and God bless you all!!!

Coconut forever in my heart

Today I was so blessed to get another chance to see, hold and feed this precious little baby. I get giddy knowing I can see him. The feeling I get is like when a girl is waiting for her date arrive. She's giddy, nervous, excited but terrified and a little scared. But with each step through that hospital I heart beats faster and faster. When I turn the corner to his little NICU room the tears well up in my eyes. It's so emotional. There's sadness that I'll soon not be a daily part of his life. There's happiness that I was privileged to make a family. There's fear that my light in his life will diminish. There's joy for his grandparents that their children can finally experience parenthood. There is hope that he'll always know me, and that I can be his "auntie" and that he'll be told from early on our story together. There is no doubt that this baby will forever hold a place in my heart, I'll never forget him. I'll never forget his life growing in my tummy, his untimely birth and all the steps in between that lead us to March 6, 2013. I honestly don't know how his parents will include me or I'd they'll include me in his life. My heart hopes I'll be his aunt, that I'll get pictures, invitations, cards, letters, drawings. But I can't be sure this will happen and for that I'm super concerned. Coconut is not biologically mine, but that doesn't change the year long process we've gone through to get him safely here. I hope the pain subsides and the hope triumphs my soul. I know God chose me to walk this road and I'm his loyal daughter listening and following his lead. It's terrifying. I've been allowed to fall in love with this little baby and that love is forever. I'm continuing to follow Gods path for me. I'm not sure why this road was so dry, dark, bumpy and terrifying. It's his plan and I keep reminding myself that I've got to let him lead me. My prayer tonight is that God continues to hold me up and allow me to accept whatever he has in store for me. I never wanted to bring more babies home for Zeus and I to raise. But sharing my body with this little guy this past year has changed my view on family. He has become a part of my family. My own children learned to love him, rub him, kiss him, feel him and care for his health as he grew inside my belly. One hope I have is that they get the chance to meet him before he jet sets to the Pacific Northwest. I hope they can hold him, kiss him, rub him and say hello to the little guy they shared their mommy with for a whole year. I want my kids to have a chance to see him with his parents. I know they will soon forget of him in my belly but not of our families journey to bring forth this life. If you asked me today if I'd do this again I'd tell you no. I love to easily to let another life go. But that could change some day later in life . But for today I love 5 little children that grew in my belly. 4 left me with stretch marks and sore hips, but stayed to make their mark on my life daily. But 1, who's not mine has left a slash on my stomach, sadness on my heart and will be raised hundreds of miles from me. I'll never know how this story ends but I know that these children will forever have their names carved on my heart, in my mind and make me proud to be their protector, birther and creator. My life is blessed.

My precious surro baby

Yesterday I was able to be given a hospital pass from my hospital bed. This means I got to take a ride to Cardinal Glennon Children's hospital to see my little belly baby, coconut. I was so anxious and nervous that I couldn't really say what I was feeling. I just wanted to get my hands on him. There's something about having a baby grow in your belly, even knowing that baby is not biological to you.
When I was wheeled to his room I was in awe of him. I teared up and tried to hide it from everybody. I'm trying my best to be strong and happy for coconuts parents. I am happy for them. But I'm a little sad that my part is over. Coconut has etched his life into my head, my heart and on my stomach. There will never be a day that goes by that I won't think about him. He is a beautiful boy. I'm sad he decided to come early. I wanted to make this journey as memorable and special as I could but we lost a few things with the early birth. While visiting I was able to feed him and hold him. It was very special to me. We took some pictures. It's great to see his parents so excited and happy to have a son. My hopes are that he'll always know me, my story, what I did and that I'll always love him. No he is not my son but I carried him, nurtured him, loved him, fed him and grew him for 9 months. I learned his movements and his heart rate. I saw him more times than my own babies. This little guy became my buddy. We hung out together.
My heart is and forever will be a mother to 5 babies, not just my 4.
I love you sweet coconut