My precious surro baby

Yesterday I was able to be given a hospital pass from my hospital bed. This means I got to take a ride to Cardinal Glennon Children's hospital to see my little belly baby, coconut. I was so anxious and nervous that I couldn't really say what I was feeling. I just wanted to get my hands on him. There's something about having a baby grow in your belly, even knowing that baby is not biological to you.
When I was wheeled to his room I was in awe of him. I teared up and tried to hide it from everybody. I'm trying my best to be strong and happy for coconuts parents. I am happy for them. But I'm a little sad that my part is over. Coconut has etched his life into my head, my heart and on my stomach. There will never be a day that goes by that I won't think about him. He is a beautiful boy. I'm sad he decided to come early. I wanted to make this journey as memorable and special as I could but we lost a few things with the early birth. While visiting I was able to feed him and hold him. It was very special to me. We took some pictures. It's great to see his parents so excited and happy to have a son. My hopes are that he'll always know me, my story, what I did and that I'll always love him. No he is not my son but I carried him, nurtured him, loved him, fed him and grew him for 9 months. I learned his movements and his heart rate. I saw him more times than my own babies. This little guy became my buddy. We hung out together.
My heart is and forever will be a mother to 5 babies, not just my 4.
I love you sweet coconut

Hard day

Today started out rough. We were forced to have a c section after I woke up in a puddle at 1:30am. The baby was still breech and sitting very high up. I was very disappointed. I wanted a normal vaginal delivery but coconuts health wouldn't have faired well that way. So after seeing doc at 7:30am we were in the OR by 8am. I hated the needle prick, the numbness and the lack of control. After all the pulling and tugging, coconut came out and I was able to glance at him. He needed help breathing so Zeus couldn't hold him nor could I. Once I was stitched up Zeus came to my recovery room telling me that coconut was headed to the children's hospital. I immediately went into a mental shutdown. I was crushed. They wheeled me into a normal room and a few minutes later they wheeled this massive contraption into my room so I could take a peek. From 3 ft away, through a plastic box I had to let him go. It was dreadful. I couldn't believe I'd let this happen. But after that it was me dealing with this enormous pain in my heart and the horrid pain of having my stomach sliced from hip to hip. So I was left, with Zeus, thankfully to traverse this new road. Zeus made it better by bringing my babies to see me and have dinner with me. It was so special. He's a good guy. I also was sent some gorgeous flowers that brightened the day a little more, thanks D &T. So here's a few pictures.