Saturday, April 5, 2014

Deteriorating health

Over the past few months I've fallen into bad health. On jan 1, I had a horrible hemorrhage that hospitalized me for a few days. I lost a massive amount of blood and truly thought I was seeing my final hours. Since then I've continued to bleed even through intense medication to stop the loss. Testing after testing has occurred. 

On Feb 19 I went in with the help of my mom to have a endometrial biopsy. It was extremely painful, like having a natural birth. Intense pain with only ibuprofen on board, boy was I hating life and so glad my mom came to stay with me. Once the results came in I was a wreck, could I really actually have uterine cancer? Would it show other things? Questions after questions swirled through my head and were asked by my many concerned friends. I was numb. But anxious. 

Well doc called on a Sunday afternoon. Oh boy, this can't be good. So I listen closely and hear the words "it's not cancer". Oh my the relief. I was so happy and grateful until he said the magic word BUT.  Not again, What now? He says I believe you have uterine polyps. The test is not definitive but showing high probability. Yikes, I didn't even know what those P thingys might be. After I got off the phone saying a quick prayer of relief and nerves I googled polyps. Less than 14% of women under 40 ever experience these little invaders. 

Doc said I needed a saline infused ultrasound, a test where clear sterile fluid is pushed through a tube into the uterus. Then a probe is inserted to see if these little polyps can be seen.  It took several days to schedule and get it on the books, thankfully Zeus was able to get the time off as well to drive me. 

That test was this past Friday morning. It was a different doc, a very thorough, informative, relaxed and honest doc. She was so amazing. Made me feel so comfortable, well as comfortable as you can be with tubes, clamps and probes hanging out your lady parts. She insisted Zeus stand up and look over her shoulder to see what she was seeing. She said he and my uterus were good friends already, always have to have a little humor. It was merely seconds after two healthy, clear ovaries were discovered that she stumbled upon my polyps or in her words a forest of polyps. I asked how many, she said too many to count. She showed my the screen and I was shocked, maybe more stunned. What should be a smooth oval looked more like bumpy, massively curvy oval with no smooth straight lines. Nope, imagine a forest all chopped to stumps . That's about what the inside of my uterus looks like. Wasn't the best news I've heard in a while, my heart sank as the sadness  overwhelmed me. Here I am waiting for the hammer to drop, thankfully doc believes a two part surgery can be successful to remove these little invaders. I most likely will be able to save my womb. I'm beyond terrified of a hysterectomy. I'm emotionally attached to this organ and can't lose it anytime soon. I might even want to use it again.  A D&C and polypectomy both done in the same time to remove all the foreign matter still wrecking havoc in my uterus. This will be an outpatient, IV sedation surgery with a Recovery of 2-3 days. All this will happen pretty quickly. I'm hopeful that with this surgery and medication change that I'll be able to get back to myself and lose the over 30lbs I've acquired since my Jan episode. I'm looking forward to returning to physical labor, shopping, workouts without embarrassing wardrobe messes which occur all too often these days. I'm ready to return to the 
strong, tough person I used to be. I'm ready to be a wife and Momma without fear of what my body will do to cause me to back out or back off my ambitions. Please say a prayer these stubborn polyps will quietly leave my body and that recovery will be fast and smooth. I'm hopeful. I need something really positive here. The past two years have been such an emotional roller coaster and wild health ride for me. I need a bit of time for me to get comfy in my own skin. Let's do this, who's with me?

Thursday, March 27, 2014

The end of a 24 month journey

This week has been one of the harder weeks of my life. I've developed a medical problem that has jeopardized my everyday heath. Because of this, some tough decisions have to be made. I shutter trying to understand why this is happening and where this could go. I just trust God.

So, for the last 12 months following the birth of my sweet lil Coconut 3/6/2013 I have been a breast milk donor to preemie babies across this country. I have donated 10's of thousands of milk to the sickest of sick to the tiniest of tiny babies in NICUS all over America. All of these families will never know my name or why I choose this. It has been a lifelong dream to do this. I've grown up with the idea that I would become a surrogate and then donate my milk. I'm thankful to God for granting this dream, goal and gift to me. Its awesome. I'm grateful.

But this week my medical issues have not gotten better with other treatments, meds and tests show its not much better. That is serious. I have to be healthy. I have 4 babies of my own that need me and that has to be the most important to me at this time. I made the tough decision to begin weaning myself off the pump. It has not been easy. There have been some incredible tears and emotions. Its been 2 full years of dedication of my heart and my body to other families. Something I believe we all must be, supportive and helpful to those around us.

As I washed my bottles and cones for the last time I cried in grief, the fact that I may never do this again. Packing the box of bottles and pump parts made the tears flow harder. Cleaning out the pump bag and winding up the tubes and cords continued to fuel the sadness. It was tough. As I moved to the Garage to pack the boxes of frozen milk that sadness turned ugly. Those tears now had a voice, they once silent were loudly speaking of the unexpected decision that was taking away a love. A deep love of babies and families. I packed those 2 boxes as tight as I could with every last drop of milk. There it was, my milk, the creamy life saving medicine babies rely on so desperately and I may never see a drop leave my chest again. Its so hard to let go. I just stand staring at the boxes wondering will I ever be able to actually let the postman take these away. Will I still be able to look at a pump, a baby, a bottle brush, a bottle, a breast without tears of sadness, without anger of letting go not on my terms or in my time? I don't know. What I do know is that I gave 2 full years of my life to so many others. Each and everyday I grew that baby or pumped that milk while my family waited or did things without me. It was lovely. But it was not fair to my babies and it wouldn't be fair if I let it kill me. Nope.

So today I site typing this wondering what is next for me? Where do I go from here? Will God have another crusade for me? I don't know, but I know these 2 years have been an amazing roller coaster for me. A roller coaster ride I will never forget. I'll never ever underestimate the love a stranger can have for a baby that's not hers. They are in my heart forever and always.