Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Lots on my mind

Today my head is swirling. First off lets deal with the medical issues. I am back to bleeding after a short break. It's not too bad and seems to get better as the day goes by. I'm OK. I'm not better. I'm not happy. I'm just OK. I enjoy being able to share with all of you how this process is going. I appreciate all the positive comments, suggestions, and good prayers and thoughts.

But please, I do not need any negative remarks during this rough time of my pregnancy. If you don't like what I am doing or saying then please I ask you to stop reading and remove yourself from my page. I had to make this invite only due to the negative views and comments. This journey is meant to be positive. Its suppose to open peoples eyes to the world of infertility and the positive changes made within the medical community that allow infertile parents the opportunity to have biological children. I'm frustrated, I'll be honest. Today was a rough day on the emotional side. I'm thankful for family support and close friend support.

SACRIFICES

Surrogacy comes with a lot of sacrifices on both sides. But because I am a surrogate I will share my sacrifices so that if you are thinking of starting your own journey you are fully aware of what you are getting yourself into. Many don't.
1. Medical testing, numerous needle sticks, numerous trans vaginal ultrasounds. Lots and lots of blood testing, drug testing, STD testing.
2. The loss of family events and normal life. If on bed rest you will forfeit your normal life to follow doctors orders.
3. Tons and tons of questioning by Intended Parents. Some very negative and personal.
4. Subject to psychological exam for both the surrogate and her spouse.
5. Possible sour of relationship of Intended Parents and the Surrogate/Spouse.
6. Loss of sexual relationship. You are subject to being told not to involve yourself sexually with your spouse for many things. Prior to the Transfer there is up to a 2 week time of abstinence. For 3 days after the transfer. And when placed on Bed Rest and/or Pelvic rest which could last months. This is important to understand when walking this journey. It can really affect a marital relationship.
7. You subject your family to negative comments, opinions and frustrating conversations with people with negative perspectives.
8. Loads, and I mean loads of shots. Shots in the stomach, shots in the butt, shots in the arms. Ridiculous amounts of shots. In the hundreds. Many which hurt like nothing you've experienced.
9. Strict medication calendar that will affect mood swings.
10. You will need a lawyer whom you trust that works with surrogacy arrangements.
11. You agree not to travel for significant amounts of time during the pregnancy.
12. You agree to risk your life for a family to have a baby.
13. You sacrifice time with family to endure possible hospitalizations.
14. The need for a huge life insurance policy.
15. Health insurance that covers surrogacy. This can be tricky to find.

I could go on and on about the sacrifices. I have given up so much to get to 9 weeks of pregnancy.

HEART

My heart throughout this process was to give a family a child and receive 0, ZERO compensation. That's right folks, unlike the majority of surrogate's that receive thousands of dollars. I have chosen to give a family a baby for nothing. That's love. That's kindness. That's what listening to God accomplished. Sometimes people tell me I'm insane. Well, maybe I am and sometimes I might think I am for doing this without required gifts, required monetary amounts, required events, tickets or anything else. The reason I push through and continue this journey is because God asked me to, so I'm following his lead. Its not easy and this pregnancy makes this terribly difficult to keep putting one foot in front of the other but I look at close friends and understand it's people like me that make many peoples dreams come true. I didn't have to do it free of charge. I was trying to be nice and help someone not pay an arm and a leg for a child. I do it out of the LOVE in my HEART.

I leave tonight with this, Prayer is needed severely. I need my prayer warriors praying for all parties involved. This baby is healthy as far as we know and I will try my hardest to hand over a full term, healthy child at the end of this journey. Please I beg of you to pray that God will place his hands on all of us and remind us what is being sacrificed and why we are doing this. Pray for the bigger picture. Thanks Buddies, I thank you for reading and following my journey.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

36 hours and counting.....

Can anybody guess what 36 hours and counting means? No ideas. Well I'll tell you.

Yesterday, which was my 32nd birthday I woke up first thing and being a pregnant woman we go straight to the bathroom. Don't stop to collect $200. I was pleasantly surprised to see I was blood free. I had to check 3 times to be sure. You know, because I could have been dreaming or something. Nope all three times were clean and clear. I wasn't dreaming, this baby, was real. I was cautiously optimistic since all three major episodes happened after a blood free pee. So after each bathroom visit I started telling Zeus, "2 pees no B", "3 pees no B". By the time I got to 10 I think he was getting agitated. I wasn't. I was so pleased. It was a great feeling. I was so glad that things were looking up.
So here we are 36 hours later and we are still B free. Woo Hoo, that is so wonderful. What a fantastic birthday present to have on your birthday.

 Today, the morning sickness is back with a vengeance. I guess it felt bad I was bleeding and cramping so it decided to lay off of its severity throughout the day most of the past week. Not today. Its raring its ugly head. Thankfully I've been able to fight back without any toilet trips. If its not one thing its something else during this interesting journey.

I must thank you to all of you who sent me text messages, facebook messages, phone calls and gifts wishing me a happy birthday. It is those simple things that really add sunshine to ones day. So again thank you. I love you all

Please continue to pray that I will soon be released from bed rest and pelvic rest. Please pray that coconut is doing alright. Pray for my many pregnant family and friends. Blessings Bloggie Buddies.

Friday, August 24, 2012

New Day Same Story

Anybody getting tired of sleeping? Yeah I'd imagine many of you would love to trade places with me for just a few days. Trade away. But really, let me just tell you I've reached the "I'm Done" with bed rest/pelvic rest. I've been down for 10 days and this stinks. I still have 10 more days. I missed awesome weather to be outside. I miss my flower beds, which are not being over taken by my Ivy since I'm no longer able to maintain it. I miss getting what I want to eat. The fun part of eating is browsing the pantry and fridge. I can't even do that. Seriously, what have I gotten myself into. Don't remind me.

Sooooo,  yesterday was turning out to be a great day. I felt great. I even showered and got dressed which only happens when I need to go to doctors. Being in the shower causing me to cramp pretty bad. But yesterday it was great. My bleeding had slowed and even once went to the bathroom and was blood free. I was thrilled. I told Zeus I think I'm getting better. He wasn't convinced. We crawl into bed and minutes after the lights went off I was feeling yucky AGAIN. I was not amused in the least bit. Got Zeus to help me out of bed and back to the bathroom. You have got to be kidding me. Another Bloody disaster. I must be living a royal nightmare. This is no longer funny. It was not enough for the doctor to be worried so back to bed when the cramps hit like a serrated knife sliding through my skin with an extra twist. This all started about 10:30pm and the pain lasted until 4am. NO JOKE. Today I was exhausted. Felt like I ran a marathon yesterday. I stayed in my bed until 11am because I did not have the energy or desire to get to the couch in the living room. I did end up moving to the couch. Luckily for me the blood loss throughout the day was minimal. Making me feel better that I was gonna make it. I have been lazy today. No shower, still in pajamas, no energy to get up.
So here I lay. Zeus has actually had a few  minutes to sit and hold me for a little while. Something that hasn't happened while he's been home. It was nice.

So tomorrow is my big special day. I'm bummed to be stuck to a bed or the couch. But that's what I signed up for. To carry a baby to term.

Please continue the prayers.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Check Up after ER visit

Today Zeus and I went in to see my regular OBGYN after our long night on Friday and rough morning on Saturday. The OB actually called to check up on us on Sunday. That was so nice. So today I started out with a little more bleeding. I'm not convinced it will ever stop at this point. But that's beside the point. I had a minor bit of cramping as well but nothing major that I could not just push through without meds. I mean come on I've given birth to four already. I can do this.

Its been a rough week emotionally and physically. I am so thankful you all take the time to read my story. It warms my heart so much. The biggest thing I take from this is the honesty from so many of you. So many have shared their own personal fertility, pregnancy or health secrets with me. That has made me feel so special and honored that you all felt I was worthy of telling such personal, emotional stories. I don't take that trust lightly. Thanks Friends. You all are inspiring.

Today at the Doctor after waiting over an hour to be seen. I'll forgive them this time since they were waiting on 31 pages of documents from the hospital. Finally in walks my doc, laptop and a stack of paperwork. She was prepared. We talked about the trials and statistics of pregnancy. Over 30% of pregnancies have a significant bleed during the pregnancy. WOW, big number. Funny how 0% of my 4 had this problem. But that's also higher when using IVF. She was pleased with the ultrasound results. Baby, Sac and Uterus look normal. She's thinking that the bleed could be coming from a small, 2mm, bleed within the amniotic sac located right beside the baby. It can bleed up to 20 weeks. OK, wait. I thought pregnancy was nice to not have to worry about staining clothes or wearing these ridiculous sanitary pads. Boy was I wrong. Its worse than a regular cycle. OK, so I understand this will be awhile. Doc says this is not a textbook pregnancy by any means and their is reason to be concerned but nothing she is overly worried about. Heartbeat was lower but within normal range (110-160bpm). OK that's good news. She didn't want or feel the need to check my cervix since my blood tests show rising HCG levels at normal limits. She did stress that I must remain on bed rest for another 2 weeks. STOP! You want me to lay in bed for 2 weeks, 14 days, 336 hours and 20, 160 minutes. Hold up. That means my 32 birthday in mere days will require me to be confined to a bed. YUCK. This is no bueno. But I understand its for the health and safety of sweet little, or I mean awnry little coconut.  Poo! I'll oblige. Not that I want to. Doc did say that I can move back and forth from the couch to the bed though. That was HUGE for me. Since my hips and knees are starting to ache from this FIRM bed. The couch sounds like heaven, I'll take it. If only it was on wheels so I could enjoy this gorgeous weather. Maybe Zeus is gonna have to start opening blinds and windows so I can enjoy the fresh summer air I miss.

Zeus has been amazing. No really, he has put up with my crying, moaning, complaining, anger and needy behaviour. He has gently rolled me out of bed several times a day and walked me to the bathroom. He has fed me. Made sure I was drinking plenty and made sure I had things to keep me busy. He has put my clothes on for me. He gave me a shower. He even picked out clean underwear. Yeah, I took his man card with that one. I call it being a responsible husband. He is awesome. I'm so thankful his Boss and his Air Force Unit have given him time off to help me. I'm most grateful.

So, if you want to chat, email or message me. You can find me here at my house attached to a bed or couch. I'm available the next 2 weeks. Lets make a date.

So we continue to wait, hope and pray that I will heal quickly and return to my family as a Momma and wife instead of a patient and nuisance. My kids start soccer games on the 8th of September. It's my goal to be at all 3 games.

Thanks God for your hand and blessing through this process. I give God the glory for my strength, patience, love and continued motivation to follow through to delivery.

Blessings to all you wonderful readers, I love you.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Friday night Fright

Today I lay in bed on continued bed rest. But let's go back a few days and fill y'all in. I was asked not to blog but after speaking with a few close persons I decided I can't not blog. This is my coping mechanism and also my way of telling my story first hand instead of it getting twisted when working its way through the chain of people. I'm sorry if I hurt feelings. With being so far away this is the best, and fastest way for everybody to know how I'm doing. With that said here we go.

Friday was a great day. I had only spotted throughout the day light pink
Which was a huge improvement. The commander and first shirt stopped by, bringing me flowers in the process, to check on us and see if there was anything they could do for us. It was wonderful. Not the best way to meet the new commander. I felt really good. I talked to mom on the phone but felt my tummy get queasy again. Went to the bathroom only to find a bloody mess. Seriously, angry now. Zeus was home and a few minutes later severe cramping set in, I mean screaming, moaning frightfully painful cramping. I knew it was another trip to the ER. Zeus called a friend to come watch the babies and off we went. I was feeling like death. We get right in at ER and they get me pain meds immediately. Morphine, saved my throat. Then it was a quick trip down the hall to ultrasound. While there the tech was very open about what she was seeing. She said yep baby was still alright, nothing in my tubes and ovaries looked great which was where my pain was centered. That helped but still didn't explain the continued blood loss and extreme pain I was in. She did take lots of pictures. So that was good for my OBGYN.
Went back and had to use the bathroom since the IV bag was pushing fluids. Once in there while washing my hands I got dizzy lightheaded and almost hit the floor. Zeus was a quick
Thinker and realized what was happening and called for help. I had lots of nurses holding me up. They wheeled me back to bed and then
Needed to administer anti nausea to relieve that horrible symptom. I needed oxygen to get me back from the episode in the bathroom. All it's was still extremely painful. Then came time for the pelvic exam. That was pure torture. The best way to get someone to tell the truth for sure. It hurt like hell. Oh man, now I'm really in pain. Doc said I was dilating a bit and she was concerned. After a few phone calls to my OB, it was decided that I could go home with hydrocodone for the continued pain and it was a wait and see game at this point. They put me on strict bed rest, only bathrooms trip should I be up.

The pain was rough later that night but Zeus kept me calm and administered meds as docs prescribed. We were up and down all night but bleeding had slowed tremendously. A good outlook from our perspective.

Saturday morning another big cramping session hit but little blood loss. Another good sign. My kids have never seen mommy screaming, crying and moaning like this. I know they thought I was dying. But Zeus was reassuring and so were our mothers and friends. My babies have been so helpful throughout this nightmare of a week. . While at hospital they made signs for my room. It was so sweet. They have been taking turns keeping me company an hour at a time. So cute, we even watched a movie all in the bed last night. Fun for the situation. I was sad that I let them down since we had 3 big events planned this weekend. I apologized to them. Hopefully they'll forgive me.

Sunday, I slept all night. It was the best sleep yet and I didn't need meds for over 20hrs. Up and to the bathroom the bleeding was now brown and only spots. Making progress I think. Zeus was able to give me a shower and Zulu brushed my hair. The base has organized a meal train for us and that has been amazing help. Such wonderful people and yummy food. We even get dessert a couple times. So I'm still in bed. But I'm all set up with flowers, kid picked rose, water, meds , smell good candle, water fountain on and control of the remotes. I'm being taken good care of for now.

So we are still pregnant and coconut still has a good heartbeat. We just take it day by day from here. Off to the OBGYN tomorrow to check again.

Please continue praying for the safety of me and coconut. Pray Apollo and Athena will understand our needs and are coping with all the uncertainty. We are OK today. Thank God he is watching over us. This is his plan. We
Just do as he says no matter how painful or bumpy it gets. Give god the glory.
Blessings bloggie buddies

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Bed rest

So Tuesday was a really rough day. From speeding ticket to ER visit it was an emotional day. Thankfully yesterday was a little better. Zeus was allowed to come home and will be replaced by a good friend. I was surrounded by my military family. With all our families living in Texas and Washington I didn't have loved ones to lean on. But I did, my military family has all stepped in the do what needed to be done. It's beautiful to feel this loved.

I did get to go to my OBGYN the first time yesterday. Pretty sucky circumstances, ya know. My OB is wonderful. Everything I needed her to be. She was confident, honest and helpful all while thoroughly answering my questions. We left knowing that we still had a baby on board. That was relieving. But she put me on bed rest and pelvic rest. Nothing or anyone comes near my hooha til next week.
Now it's simply a waiting game. Through all the pain, fear, sadness, and letdown I will remember God is here. This is his plan. This is his baby. This is his body. I'm just renting. I have to trust him. He will get us through the best and worst of this journey. He knows when it ends and if another begins.

I'll be honest. Today has sucked. I'm Lonely. Zeus is taking care of kids readying them for their first day of school tomorrow. I didn't have any visitors, besides the food delivery. Which by the way was awesome. I woke up bleeding heavily this morning, but much less than Tuesday night. As the day progressed it lessened to almost none. Then I sat up and played cards with my Zulu. After a bathroom visit I was bleeding again. So I told Zulu mommy had to lay flat and rest. That made me feel like such a jerk, I couldn't even play with my son. Who does that? I've been in bed all day fighting the urge to cry to get angry with the world. It came time together my shot and I didn't ice and let Zeus give it to me. That was the worst idea of the entire day. It burned and hurt so bad I got dizzy, lightheaded and even screamed loudly. I wanted to punch him. Especially when he had no sympathy. Can I just have my nurse or doctor come back and give me my shots? Now I'm so emotional it's retarded.
So here I lay with water fountain running, card table set up with my computer, phone, iPad, drinks and wonderful smelling candle. I'm bored, tired, frustrated, irritated and mad at the world. Please forgive me if I sound ungrateful or selfish. I'm just bitter as I'm pretty independent and controlling and I have to let go of my own body. Gods got this, right? Right. I'll keep telling myself that.
Pray my bleeding ends sooner than later and I heal properly. Pray I can carry coconut to term so that these more loving people can finally call themselves parents.

Bless you all for the continued prayers.

So Bed Rest it is!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Rough night

Well after all the wonderful news of heartbeats and no more shots yesterday we were hit with a huge slap in the face, reality check.

After I made the babies quesadillas for dinner we played scattergories. I was relaxing on the couch when my stomach started feeling funky. So off to the bathroom I went. Immediately after sitting down the blood poured from my bottom. It was excessive. I freaked. I cried. I panicked. I called Zeus who was more than 800 miles away. My brain was fuzzy. I couldn't think straight. What was happening to me? This was way to much blood for this to be ok. Zeus told me he'd make some calls. I called my mom then as I couldn't even talk straight, pure panic. Zeus had called a former neighbor who is a doctor. Our friend J came to get me take me to ER. Zeus then called his boss and his wife met us at the ER. Then he called another coworker to ask if they could help with our babies. I talked to Zeus until I left for ER. We made it to ER and they for me in pretty quick after a struggle with a computer for registration. Thankfully J was by my side and I didn't have to do it alone. G, bosses wife and friend was there for moral support. After more bleeding, passing blood clots the size of apples. I finally had an ultrasound. They found baby Coconut still comfy with heartbeat. They ruled out other abdominal issues as well. I then needed to get the lovely Rhogam shot to help since my blood is negative and Apollos is positive.

That shot went in my booty, of course, and hurt like the dickens. Boy did it sting like fire.

After that I was given Tylenol-3, and anti nausea meds. I began to shake uncontrollably, which I do in labor or severe pain, for a half hour or so. That scared me even more. J and G were such positive thinkers and help keep my mind in a good place.

After two different sets of blood draws, a huge shot, a pelvic exam, full abdomen ultrasound, pain medicine, lots of waiting I'm finally at home resting.
Zeus is driving home as you read. K and A have my babies taken care of til Zeus is home tomorrow. E stopped by to let dogs out and is bringing me lunch. S came by to lift my spirits with her sweet little boy T. G is taking me to doctor again this afternoon for an OBGYN check up.

I'm ok. Still bleeding minor but much better today. I'm terribly sore and tired.

Please pray for all of us. Patience for the sitter, understanding for Zeus unit, hope for Apollo and Athena. Pray for me and coconuts safety.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Ultrasound #2, Do You See What I See?

Bloggie buddies, welcome back to the latest update in the world of surrogacy.

Today is the day we make or break this journey. Today we needed to see/hear a heartbeat and measure a fetal pole. I've been really feeling pregnant by the symptoms of  nausea, tiredness, sore breasts, bloated belly. So I figured things would be fine today. I know Apollo and Athena were really nervous and anxious. But thankfully they are on vacation with parents so they are staying busy.
Ultrasound went great today, technician even let me take some pictures and video to share with y'all. Wasn't that nice? I thought so.

We have a Baby, folks. Coconut is its new nickname. Coconut has a heartbeat about 132 bpm. That's perfect for almost 7 weeks. Coconut also has a fetal pole showing its growth and viability. Our little Coconut is measuring perfect. Aren't you guys excited?

Yesterday while cooking dinner I had a bit of an episode. Oh yeah, steamed broccoli is a NO NO until I'm no longer nauseous. It was so bad, thankfully sweet Zero took over and finished since Zeus continues to be out of town. She's such a great helper. Never had that happen before. That's my first trigger, broccoli. Thanks to Zero, she put it on the erase board so everyone knows not to have broccoli around Mommy. Quite the evening.

Todays appointment concludes that we have been released to a regular OBGYN with a scheduled appointment for the 28th. That's super exciting as I receieved the approved referral to the Doctor that I wanted yesteday in the mail. She's rated in the top 15 in the country. Not to shabby.

Anyone wanna see the pictures? yes, no. I thought you'd never ask.

Blessings
The black stuff is the amniotic fluid surrounding little Coconut.

Gotta turn your head for this one, it was being stubborn and would not turn. But you can see our little Coconut.

Little Coconuts heartbeat as it is measured.
If you look at this video you can see Coconut has a fluttering heart, look close. There is no sound.

Blessings to all for your continued prayers

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

6 weeks

Ladies and Gentlemen

We made it to 6 weeks. Are any of you as excited as I am? I bet Apollo and Athena are! Today I took my kiddos school supply shopping. Holy Moly, that was crazy. Over $300 later we have backpacks loaded ready to take to school next week. Zeus has hit the road for his business trip.

Tonight I had to go to a friends house to have her give me my shot. I will have to do this until Zeus gets back since my kiddos aren't old enough to give me a shot yet. It was better than normal tonight. However, after my appt next week I think I might get down on my hands and knees and beg my doctor in Seattle to please let me stop the shots and change to suppositories. My booty hurts so darn bad. I can't even begin to explain. The lack of sleep is beginning to catch up to me since I cannot sleep on my back or either hip, I have to sleep on my stomach and that is growing so yea, I'm a mess.

Here's a new picture. Notice anything? Here's a hint, my pants don't button anymore.
Baby is the size of a Sweet Pea
Still craving tomatoes and popcorn
Now, I'm just TIRED. So TIRED.

Next week fingers crossed we should hear the heartbeat. Also hoping that's the last time to the fertility clinic and we can then go to the regular OBGYN.

Thank you all so much for all the prayers. We all appreciate them immensely.

Blessings Buddies

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Our first sonogram

Thursday was our first sonogram. There was a lot weighing on this appointment. We were not completely sure it was a viable pregnancy. It was scary going in thinking I could need surgery or a heavy medication. I had assured myself I was not having an ectopic pregnancy. So it was a long drive in to the doctor. I also was thinking how Apollo and Athena were doing, what could they be thinking or feeling? Did they understand all this medical jargon?

So the appt was about 11am. I got into ultrasound pretty quickly but the tech was silent and didn't share much info at all. She did show me my uterus and the area that a sac could be in if there was one but really was vague about seeing anything. After she was done, about 30 minutes they took me to another room to see the doctor. It took over an hour before I got to see him. So I sat half naked on the table waiting patiently, or impatiently since I was to take my daughter to the orthodontist in 45 minutes. During that time Zeus got stuck at an awards ceremony and couldn't take Zero. So while on the table I called Ortho and rescheduled her appt later in the month since it was not looking good that we would make it on time.

Then a while later the doc came in. He had a solemn look. That scared me even more. First thing he said was my tubes looked clear for now. We would need to monitor them carefully over the next few weeks. Huge relief. Like enough for him to recognize my reaction. Then he said they could see two sacs in the uterus. He shared that was great. We had one precious embryo attached correctly to my uterine lining. That was wonderful. I know most people were hoping for 2 babies but our main goal was one baby. And thankfully the Lord is in control and he gave us one. So at this point we are
Measuring on time for a due date of April 2, 2013.

We now must schedule a second ultrasound to measure fetal pole and baby heartbeat. During this time I need my insurance to refer me to an obgyn. On Friday Zeus and I went in to chat with the OB coordinator. It was a long chat explaining that Catholic hospitals don't deliver surrogate babies and we needed a slightly different referral than most. Hopefully that goes through soon so we can get this second one done and we can relax for a bit.

I will ask for prayers as Zeus is leaving for a while and my super mom wings will be on in full force. Pray that my referral gets approved. Pray that the shots will go away real soon since my booty is beyond sore. I'm not sleeping comfortably since my poor rump throbs when I lay on it. Pray for a continued normal pregnancy.

Blessings bloggie buddies

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

5 weeks

Today we hit 5 weeks. Tomorrow I have an ultrasound to make sure baby is growing in the uterus and not in the stomach cavity or fallopian tube. We will also find out if it's one or more. I thought I'd start something fun for all of you long distant folks. We get to Skype with Apollo and Athena tonight too. I did get the ball rolling to transfer to a regular OB today and I found out that I was in fact pregnant. Surprise!!!! Ok, so you already knew that. But it has to be done again for my insurance, so why not share it with all of you. Today's morning sickness was much better than yesterday's. I had to get out of shower early yesterday to keep from passing out. It was BAD, ALL DAY. Thank goodness that was only one day. Woo Hoo

5 Weeks~

Baby is size of an Orange seed
Craving: Tomatoes, Hot tea, Popcorn

Feeling: Tired and Slight Morning Sickness

Will post update to tomorrows appointment. Again hoping for good news.

Prayers are still very much appreciated. Thank In advance.

Blessings