Thursday, March 27, 2014

The end of a 24 month journey

This week has been one of the harder weeks of my life. I've developed a medical problem that has jeopardized my everyday heath. Because of this, some tough decisions have to be made. I shutter trying to understand why this is happening and where this could go. I just trust God.

So, for the last 12 months following the birth of my sweet lil Coconut 3/6/2013 I have been a breast milk donor to preemie babies across this country. I have donated 10's of thousands of milk to the sickest of sick to the tiniest of tiny babies in NICUS all over America. All of these families will never know my name or why I choose this. It has been a lifelong dream to do this. I've grown up with the idea that I would become a surrogate and then donate my milk. I'm thankful to God for granting this dream, goal and gift to me. Its awesome. I'm grateful.

But this week my medical issues have not gotten better with other treatments, meds and tests show its not much better. That is serious. I have to be healthy. I have 4 babies of my own that need me and that has to be the most important to me at this time. I made the tough decision to begin weaning myself off the pump. It has not been easy. There have been some incredible tears and emotions. Its been 2 full years of dedication of my heart and my body to other families. Something I believe we all must be, supportive and helpful to those around us.

As I washed my bottles and cones for the last time I cried in grief, the fact that I may never do this again. Packing the box of bottles and pump parts made the tears flow harder. Cleaning out the pump bag and winding up the tubes and cords continued to fuel the sadness. It was tough. As I moved to the Garage to pack the boxes of frozen milk that sadness turned ugly. Those tears now had a voice, they once silent were loudly speaking of the unexpected decision that was taking away a love. A deep love of babies and families. I packed those 2 boxes as tight as I could with every last drop of milk. There it was, my milk, the creamy life saving medicine babies rely on so desperately and I may never see a drop leave my chest again. Its so hard to let go. I just stand staring at the boxes wondering will I ever be able to actually let the postman take these away. Will I still be able to look at a pump, a baby, a bottle brush, a bottle, a breast without tears of sadness, without anger of letting go not on my terms or in my time? I don't know. What I do know is that I gave 2 full years of my life to so many others. Each and everyday I grew that baby or pumped that milk while my family waited or did things without me. It was lovely. But it was not fair to my babies and it wouldn't be fair if I let it kill me. Nope.

So today I site typing this wondering what is next for me? Where do I go from here? Will God have another crusade for me? I don't know, but I know these 2 years have been an amazing roller coaster for me. A roller coaster ride I will never forget. I'll never ever underestimate the love a stranger can have for a baby that's not hers. They are in my heart forever and always.

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