Sunday, March 17, 2013

Nice to meet you, so long Coconut

Wow, yesterday was intense emotion for this momma. Never imagined how'd I feel when this day finally came. Many people along my journey asked how I thought I'd feel about it. I usually just said I wasn't sure, I'd never done this before. I tried to think that it would be a none issue. Boy was I ever wrong. God is awesome. But he also made is human and made us feel for a reason. For this, my motherly instincts kicked in and those maternal feelings were 100% intact. Those feelings are both a blessing and a curse in this specific situation. We are meant to protect our young especially if it comes from our own body. But god did not create a compartmentalizable brain for birthing mothers, at least not in this one.

So yesterday afternoon coconut met all his goals and was released out into the world from the care of the Cardinal Glennon doctors and nurses. He was now to begin his new chapter with his anxious parents. We were so lucky to have been rewarded with a 2 hour meet/greet with the lil guy at his parents St Louis hotel. My children had waited months for this day. And thankfully it had finally come. I was a wreck. Not sure if I was to be thrilled for my own children to meet their "womb mate" or if I was scared or terrified. I wasn't sure what was flowing through my veins. I just knew I needed it to happen and so did they. Zeus carefully drove through pouring rain into the city. He has had no real emotion through the whole 12 month process. I was appreciative to him so willing to help me complete my calling from God. So we arrive and he drops is off at the door while he parks the car. My mind was moving faster than my body could. Would I remember to take pictures? Would I get enough of the special moments? Would I get enough time? How would I keep it together? Man the questions were swirling. As we walked the halls I could feel my kids excitement growing more and more impatient as we got closer to the door. Then there it was rm 331. Just behind that door was a family I created with Gods help. Knock knock knock, Zulus hand softly taps the door and it opens and in we walk and there he is laying peacefully in his Mommas arms. My eyes welled with tears but I fought them back. After washing their little hands Zulu was first to hold him followed by Ziggy, Omega and finally Zero, who has so longed for this moment. It was beautiful. I was proud. They were each so gentle and loving. Each in awe of how little yet commenting how big he was for a belly. It was a precious moment for me. Zero was honored to be able to feed him a bottle while I helped burp him. Omega got to help as well. Then I got to hold him, smell him, kiss him and tell him how much I've enjoyed our time together and that I'll always love him. Secretly in my heart I didn't want to let him go. But I know he wasn't mine and I signed the line saying he belonged to them. With no biological connection you'd think it'd be easy to hand him off. Heck no, that's most difficult thing I've ever endured in my life. I felt so comfortable with him. Our time together was one of the rockiest roads I've ever traversed. You can read through my blog as see how bumpy it became and then it ended so abruptly. I rolled over in a pool of water 4 weeks shy of his due date, just 48 hours after my niece Kendall Grace was born. I knew it was over. I knew it would end in a c section. I knew he would be smaller than full termers. I had to just get through it.

However I missed getting maternity pictures. I missed having birth pictures. I missed seeing his parents faces the first time they saw him or touched him. I didn't get to be a part of that. I missed holding him. I missed happily handing him off in the blanket that's being made for him. I lost so many things during this that I may never fully recover mentally from the pain or frustration.

I do know that I helped a man and woman complete their dream of parenthood. The sight of that birth certificate with no mention of my name was terribly painful.

So today as his parents board that plane bound for Seattle all I can do is cry. Tears of joy for an entire extended family that they will all be introduced to this amazing life and tears of sadness of the sudden loss that flows through my mind, body and soul. I'm so very glad I got to do this. I love the amazement of creating babies. It's awesome feeling. I may want to do this again. How soon, only time will tell but will I ever act upon it God is the only one who knows.

So today I have these pictures and moments for memory. Hope you enjoy!


1 comment:

  1. Awww I can't wait for this experience!!! Big hugs!!